Spiritual Foundation

Building a solid Spiritual foundation

During my morning bible study today, I realized the Power of Psalm 2. It is a Beacon of Faith. Everything one needs to know, learn, and internalize about being Loved by Christ, and loving Christ in return is right there.
As I read and studied, I got very emotional, and overcome, even, as the power of the Spirit spoke to me and made these things clear. I had a very rough spiritual introduction to God. I struggled and suffered, in Prison, on a cold, tear stained concrete floor. I cried. Oh how I cried so selfishly for some relief for my burning soul.
See, I "wanted to know God". In truth, I wanted relief. Way back in 2000, when I was literally crying in my own shitty, miserable state, suicidal, hopeless, bottom dropping out, kind of state of personal affairs, I could lie and say that I had some sorrow and transformational experience, but the fact is, I was suffering. I wanted relief. I mean, I thought about killing myself, due to the pain I was feeling.
You probably know the kind of existential pain I am talking about. It's the kind of deep, inescapable, unquenchable, internal misery that causes people to think of anything to get relief.
Think of the poor bastard of a rich man in Luke 16:23. The rich man is in Torment. I cannot, and do not want to imagine that kind of torment.  The torment I was experiencing was ENOUGH!
  Lying in my misery, thinking of death as a way of relief, but too scared, and Pridefull to actually do it, or maybe just to miserable. Imagine being too fucking miserable to even kill yourself, like, "Uh, maybe tomorrow, I can fit it in. I can't even get off the floor today". Imagine that?
   During that time, a man walked by outside my cell. I had no idea who it was. I figured it was a guard. Prison guards are also God's beautiful creations, and we love them too. But ALL the people in prisons, not just the prisoners, are generally unseemly and rough and not the best dinner company.  The point is, I heard a man out there, but I did not care. No relief there.
Except, God, I was wrong.   All relief was there. Complete, total relief, redemption, Salvation was right there.  I heard a loud, flat, slap outside my cell door, and I looked up from my pitty pot to see what was happening.  There was a sound of a kick, and a book slid and scraped under the cell door.  The man had kicked it with plenty of force.  It literally almost hit me in the nose.
   Now, think about it.
   Think about what just happened.  The book was the Bible.  
John 1:1 "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. "
Do you see what happened? Do you see what God, our Mighty God, who created everything, you and I included, did to come and rescue me? He crawled, or rather, got kicked under a prison cell door, to get to me. The King, crawling across the battlefield to rescue one beaten down, no account, fucked up, disobedient, disgraceful soldier. Me.
Hallelujah, and thank God for Leonard Cohen - one of dear Mom's favorites.
  God permitted himself, yeah, even designed the infiltration plan to get  kicked under my prison door, hitting me in the nose.
Salvation.
But I had no idea what to do with it. You might as well have given me a golden egg - mighty treasure, but WTF do I do with it, in prison. No value.  I felt.
I had no idea how to even pray at that point in life. I picked up the bible. What the hell else was I going to do. People in prison, if you did not know, will read any damm thing they can find to break up the monotony and escape from the reality of the existence.
I was reading the bible. I did not know how. I knew the words. I spent 3 years at Catholic Military school, Mass twice a week. I actually spent a lot of time, relatively, in various churches.  But I had no present relationship with God.  I felt like I was reading a foreign language. 
  I am thankful for that experience, it is the basis of the Faith God gave me.  But, fuck, was it hard.
Imagine you are stranded in  Russia and someone hands you a book, in Russian, and when you can read and understand it, you are free to go home.  You have to learn a new language just to be able to read the book.  I struggled like that with the Bible. Praying in my selfish way.  God is so Merciful and great.  He is so patient. 
  Fast forward almost 20 years.
  This morning, October 2, 2019, I read Psalm 2.
  I wish that I had discovered this earlier, but I respect the Course of Time.
Read Psalm 2. If you are a new Christian, or lost, or all fucked up... Please Start here. Pray on it. It is all here.
Trust in God.
Ask God for Wisdom and understanding. He will deliver x 100.
Stop trying to be perfect - it really is fucking impossible.  
Let go and let God.
God Loves you.
Love covers all.
God's Wisdom is free to you, and God is your instructor.
Boom!

My advice is to read, study, and pray on Psalm 2, every day. Every freaking day, until it soaks in to your heart. Then, move on.

I pray and thank God for blessing and keeping you and yours!
Love.